I was thinking (who me?? lol) about the pressure that is put on us from a very early age to look a certain way, act a certain way, think a certain way. It's good in some ways. This is how we learn manners, how to treat others, how we learn right from wrong. So it is important. Then we hit puberty. Our bodies change. I know for a fact that is when I started to have trouble. My body changed. I developed and I had no idea how to change my entire way of being as a pre-teen. Does anybody really? So the weight started to come on and I struggled. Most of it was from a lack of knowledge and understanding in how my body worked. And then that expectation of how I was supposed to look compared to the reality was disheartening and that began my hatred of food and exercise and all things that seemed to cause me so much stress.
I was chunky in high school and yo-yo'ed through my 20's. I always had the willpower to not eat. The problem is like so many women, I completely ruined my body by starving myself. I think there was one time I experimented with making myself throw up. That wasn't for me. So not eating much was preferable. The problem is I lost the weight and ended up gaunt, with stringy hair and not the least bit healthy in the process. And of course I got the weight off and the second I allowed normal food into my body again the weight piled back on. It was a vicious cycle that just didn't seem to end and I had very little hope for ever finding my way through it. Who would have a positive feeling about "healthy" living after that? Everything involved with it seemed like a chore or a lecture and like many I rebelled and my thought process was "Screw this, you only live once. I'm going to live how I want!"
But was I really living by eating unhealthy foods and way too much of it and sitting around? I did like activity but it was when I decided I wanted to do it not when I felt forced to. My comfort in the past was turning to food. I know a lot can relate to that. And then I ended up in an unhappy marriage with someone I never really had anything in common with. If you aren't in agreement of the simple things in a relationship/marriage like respect and courtesy then there is no way for it to work. And the weight came on again.
I'm not exactly sure what it was that clicked in my head. I just know at the time my oldest was 9 months old and I was barely enjoying life with him. I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't have energy. There was even a humiliating moment of not being able to ride a ride at an amusement park because I was too big. And then I thought of my mother who had passed away in 2000 of Lupus. The official cause of death was pneumonia with complications from Lupus. She was 50. And her mother, my maternal grandmother died at the age of 49. Both were smokers and my grandmother had other issues. And we all share the middle name Louise. It just hit me that I was allowing myself to be unhealthy and not only was I ruining my life, I was lessening the life enjoyment of my son as well.
So I said enough is enough. I can do this. And thus began my journey. I started to read and research and understand. I began to see the thin people that enjoy life and wondered how. Yes metabolism makes a difference but it is in our choices and the way we decide to live that truly matters. From the time I hit puberty and my body changed, I started to view food as the enemy. And thought for the longest time that to be thin I had to never enjoy life, never enjoy a birthday party, never enjoy a meal out. And that just isn't true.
My "lifestyle change" began in September, 2007. I took baby steps. Started slow and steady. Started to pay attention to my body and how it reacted to food. Started to make my own healthier versions of things. Started to realize that healthy food can be delicious and the way it made me feel was even better. And I saw that a night out with friends or enjoying a holiday meal didn't have to derail my efforts. That I could do both. Food didn't have to be the enemy. And I saw that I could control it. And from that day on, I have never let food control me again. I make the decisions. I can go back to eating healthy and be in control after a girls night out. Because I made the decision to. And my confidence grew each time I was successful. And I figured it out. How to be healthy and not feel deprived or suffer for it.
I began to love exercise too. Rather than look at is as a chore I started to see it as something that helped me live. Gave me energy, took away stress, made my skin glow, allowed me to eat more. Now I view it as a necessity in my life and I look forward to my workouts and feel bereft if I can't due to being sick or anything else. I became an endorphin addict. How the hell did that happen?! :)
When you stop looking at healthy living and exercise as a chore and rather a positive thing to enhance your life based on your choices it really does help. The problem is for so long healthy living was about processed food, artificial sweeteners, plain/bland chicken breast and rice cakes with nothing on them.
It is so enlightening to realize that eating real foods is the best thing you can do. Using herbs and spices and olive oil, eating chicken thighs and chicken breast, salmon, lean steak, nuts, seeds, avocados, berries, vegetables. And preparing flavorful dishes using awesome, kick-ass ingredients is what will keep you healthy and thin. Not skinny. Thin. Lean. Fit. That doesn't mean skinny or a number on the scale. It means finding that happy weight where you feel your best. Where you have energy and confidence and can wake up each day smiling. Where you can look at the awesome healthy food in the store or farmers markets and get excited about the dishes you can prepare. And if you aren't a cook you can still find healthier alternatives out there. I actually wish I could open a fast-food restaurant that focuses on whole, real, healthy meals. You go through the drive through and get a flavorful meal chock full with nutrients. That would be cool!! :)
I found my peace with my body. I now thank it for putting up with so much abuse for so long and then rewarding me the minute I treated it right. We're old friends now. :) And food is a friend and exercise is a friend. I feel like I was meant to go through the trials and misery to get to the other side because I understood what didn't work and it allowed me to see what WOULD work and why when it finally did. And now I feel like it is something I can share to others. To hopefully save them the time and trouble it took me to get it right.
Well, time to get ready for work. Lunch will be my spinach salad again. It's funny. I realized I liked having energy and feeling better after I eat. Not having an upset stomach or feel weighed down and tired. A burger or pizza is great once in awhile but it certainly doesn't increase my energy or make me healthier. Unless I make my own versions of course. ;)
Now I have two boys and I devote my time to them. I make them a priority and my decisions always have their best interests at heart. I am happy to do this as they are my best accomplishment to date. Yes, I have things I've done as a woman that make me proud but being a mother has given me a perspective and patience and a feeling of contentment that can never be taken away. We are Team Awesome! If the right man comes along to be a part of this team then that will be a beautiful day. Until then we are one small happy family and I have running races down the sidewalk with my two energetic boys. Who would have thought I'd be able to do that??
Enjoy!!
God Bless!
Tami
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